Nat was my best friend from Secondary School we bonded over our love of cute, fluffy animals and er Westlife (come on it was the early 00's!).
Due to various circumstances at home and school Nat developed severe depression at 18 which quickly spiralled into self-harm and worse. Nat was afflicted with the kind of depression that makes mine look like a walk in the park, she was completely consumed by it and barely able to function. Her arms were horrendously scarred reflecting her mental state. I would spend hours on the phone to her trying to calm her when things were really bad, as did a lot of our friends.
In 2008 Nat succumbed to her depression and took her life.
The worst thing was that I wasn't shocked. I guess I had mentally prepared myself some time before that her suicide was always a possibility. I am aware this makes me sound like a horrendous person but let me try to explain before you judge me, Nat had no quality of life by the end. She was almost catatonic in her depression and each day was hell for her. Whilst she had a group of friends who were with her until the end, in my opinion she was badly let down by the NHS and Mental Health services, including a counsellor who dropped her like a stone. In a way taking her life gave her the freedom from the pain that she endured daily.
As you can imagine I've raked her last few days and weeks over and over in my mind. I used to call her and text her nearly every day to check up on her but I had cut back on that in the weeks leading up to her death due to struggling with my own depressive issues and Nat had moved in with some friends of ours and to me had seemed happier. I wonder whether my backing off contributed to that final downward spiral? On 21st November 2008 Nat had a 22nd Birthday party, I have treasured photos and videos from that event of her smiling and laughing with us. It was the last time I ever saw her.
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| Me & Nat at her 22nd Birthday party, the last time I saw her |
The next day was Nat's 22nd Birthday, the night before I had told her to ring me if she wanted to go to the cinema in the evening. During a family lunch to celebrate my Grandma's birthday my phone rang and I never got to it in time, the missed call was from Nat, thinking that she was calling to arrange the cinema I texted her quickly explaining that I couldn't talk and to give me a call later if she wanted to meet up. Nat never called back. It turned out that she had been at Birling Gap on top of the cliff. This time she was luckily found by the Samaritans who talked her down and bought her home. Unfortunately 3 days later no-one was there to talk her down.
I often wonder if I'd gotten to the phone in time the first time she called whether I could have helped her, calmed her and made her realise that she was loved and wanted. Because I missed that call did she think I didn't care? So when she was up there again 3 days later she didn't bother calling me because she thought I wouldn't have time for her. This is the guilt and the questions that I will always carry with me. But I also carry memories of funny moments like her rabbit Bramble getting rather friendly with my foot to Nat's great embarrassment (he was neutered a week later).
Whilst I will always blame myself in a small way for not being able to save Nat in a way she has helped me to see mental illness from both sides of the situation. As a sufferer I understand the emotions, thoughts and feelings but as an outsider looking in I can appreciate the struggle, the worry and the fear involved with a friend who is ill. It's the reason I fuss over my friends and worry about them even when nothing's wrong (sorry Helen). In a positive way (if anything positive can come from the horrendous aftermath of suicide) it makes me appreciate my friends and family all the more and I try to tell them all the time that I love and value them.
I will admit that I have had, and still have on occasion suicidal thoughts and feelings when I feel like I'm a massive burden on my friends and family and their lives would be better and happier without me but I try to cut off this voice because I know what it's like for people left behind. I remind myself that no matter how dark the world may feel on that day there will be days when I'm ok and laughing with Helen or bantering with my brother, or being glared at by the bunnies ….. oh wait that's every day!
I'll always carry Nat and her memory in my heart, and I am planning a tattoo of the Chinese symbol for rabbit as rabbits were her favourite animals and also my zodiac sign. In fact the reason my parents finally relented and let me have pets was to give me something to focus on in the weeks after Nat passed away. There was no debate as to what to get since Nat was as obsessed with rabbits as I am! Estelle & Esme came into my life on 10th January 2009 and became the centre of my universe. They actually live in the hutch that Nat's bunnies lived in (all happily adopted by the way) which still gives me some connection to her. I like to think that Nat is at the Rainbow Bridge looking after all the bunnies that go there and spoiling them rotten!
Love you Nat and miss you.
Xxx Jen xxX
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